Why does she stay?

This question has been asked about women in abusive relationships for more than a century.

In the early 20th century right up to the late 1970s the general consensus of the “experts” including psychoanalysts was that they stayed because they LIKED it. This came about because noone could understand why women stayed with, or kept going back to, their abusive partners and so the conclusion was that the women secretly enjoyed it. In 1964 a study was conducted by three psychiatrists who wanted to understand the internal lives of victims by interviewing thirty-seven abusers. The responses from these men led the psychiatrists to conclude that even though the women might protest their abuse, they secretly wanted it. I don’t know about you but the fact that this was even a thing blows my mind! It’s so obviously ridiculous and the most horrifying example of victim blaming I’ve come across. So, no, abused women are not masochists.

By the 1980s that theory was soundly discredited and the next big idea that came about to answer this question was that women were so worn down by the abuse that they just became like helpless children and resigned themselves to their life of submission and abuse. And because they became so passive, it encouraged their partner to continue their behaviour. This just became another form of victim blaming - it says she was just too weak to do anything about it so she submitted to his control.

It’s time to stop with the victim blaming.

The recent #metoo movement has done a lot to raise our collective awareness about how common it is for women to be groped, sexually harassed, assaulted or raped during their lifetime. We have come a long way in replacing our previous obsession with what she was wearing, why she was out on her own at night or why she had drunk so much, with putting the onus where it really belongs - on the perpetrator. Why did HE assault her?

Well now it’s time to stop asking women subjected to intimate partner abuse why she stays or why she stayed so long, why she keeps going back or why she let her children live in “that kind of environment”. These questions also blame her as the victim instead of putting the attention on why he continues to abuse her and why HE allows his (or her) children to live in that kind of environment.

It can be easy to pass judgment if we’ve never been in their situation. We consider ourselves strong, independent people who would never put up with behaviour like that, right? But it’s never that simple.

It doesn’t take into account love, misguided loyalty, religion, cultural expectations, empathy for the environment their abuser grew up in, their self worth (or lack of), their sense that this behaviour is normal because it’s what they grew up with, their shame at ending up in this situation and being too embarrassed to admit what’s going on, lack of support network or the decline being so gradual they didn’t realise what was happening until they were in too deep. These are just a few of the factors that lead to a perceived inability to escape.

There are also many practical and real reasons why she stays:

She doesn’t know how she will survive financially on her own with the kids without his income. The fear of ending up in poverty or homelessness is very real.
He has isolated her from her friends and family so she doesn’t know who to turn to.
He controls all the finances so she doesn’t have access to any money without him knowing.
He has threatened to hunt her down or drag her through court to take custody of the kids if she leaves. The fear keeps her stuck.
He has worn her down to the point that she has no confidence left to make decisions or live on her own.
She told someone close to her what was happening and they said she just needed to stop making him angry. She doesn’t feel heard and blames herself.
She doesn’t trust the “system” to keep her and her children safe if she asks for help or support. She may also believe the kids are safer if she stays because if she leaves and he is granted joint custody or unsupervised access, she won’t be there to protect them. You only have to read stories of what has happened in the Family Court and the outcomes for children to know that this is a very valid fear.
He tracks her every movement and monitors her emails, social media, internet use and messages.
He is such a nice guy who is respected in the community and loved by his friends, family and colleagues. She either believes that there is something wrong with HER (because why, when he is so nice to everyone else he cares about does he choose to inflict pain on her?) or doesn’t think anyone will believe her. You can read the New Zealand story reported this year about “Mrs P” HERE - it proves this point in a horrifying way.
Over 50% of intimate partner murders happen at the time of or following separation. She has seen the stats and feels that her and her children are actually safer if they stay.

So, next time you find yourself wondering why she stays, have a thought for the complex web she finds herself in.

Perhaps the better question to ask is why he feels entitled to treat her that way. There is no easy answer to that question either.

*We fund 12 months of therapy for women and non-binary folk who have survived intimate partner abuse and are now doing their best to move on - for themselves and their families. You can help by donating to our next funded therapy package HERE.*