How small things have the power to be life-changing

He iti hoki te mokoroa nāna i kakati te kahikatea

While the mokoroa grub is small, it cuts through the white pine.

There is power in small things

I was gifted Dr Hinemoa Elder’s gorgeous book Aroha recently and one of the first whakataukī (proverbs) in the book is this one. It speaks to the fact that there is power in small things.

Like most Māori whakataukī, there is a lot to be learned if we take the time to really think about the wisdom being imparted to us.

Because there IS power in small things and this power works in both positive and negative ways in our life. If you’ve ever had a splinter in your finger you will know how something very small (and almost invisible) can cause a lot of pain. Or perhaps you’ve noticed how receiving a smile from a stranger or a hug from a friend can bring a warm feeling that lasts all day.

Our relationships, our physical health and our mental health can each be torn down by small, unrelenting pressures and can be rebuilt or enhanced by small, consistent actions.

Relationships

Let me tell you about Shelley (not her real name) who was in a relationship for several years with a man who initially seemed perfect. He was attentive, courteous, chivalrous and he loved his mum. Shelley thought she had won the jackpot when she met him and quickly fell in love.

Unfortunately for Shelley, she missed the early warning signs in their relationship. Over the course of the next few years she went from a confident, self assured woman to an anxious mess. He questioned everything she did. Nothing was done to his liking and he made her feel inferior to the standards he set. He regularly questioned whether what she said was the truth and said mean things to her which he justified as “just a joke”.

Each time something he did upset Shelley, she would pick herself up by telling herself it was such a small thing so she shouldn’t be upset about it. She didn’t realise until much later that all those small things had built up and caused a gradual decline in her confidence and sense of self.

She finally plucked up the courage to leave the relationship but she took those scars with her and into her next relationship where she felt paralysed to make any sort of decision on her own for fear that it would be wrong. It wasn’t until she went to see a therapist that she realised how abusive her first relationship had been and how deeply it had affected her. Small, regular hurts had a powerful impact on her life.

In the same way that those small hurts caused a large problem for Shelley, it was the small, daily, positive actions and words from her new partner that had the powerful healing impact on her. Every day he told her how beautiful she was. Every day he encouraged her to follow her heart and do the things she enjoyed. Every day he praised her for the things she did well and never dwelled on her mistakes. Every day, kind words and loving actions rebuilt Shelley’s confidence and gradually she re-found her true self. THAT is the power of small things.

Mental Health

We can’t separate our mental health from our physical health or from our relationship health - everything is connected and what has a negative impact on one part will have a knock on effect on the others and vice versa. Shelley’s first relationship definitely had a detrimental effect on her mental health and her next relationship had a positive effect.

We can, however, create additional challenges to our mental health by the way we speak to ourselves. It’s well known that we are our own harshest critic and even though the snowball effect can start with a negative comment made to us by someone else, we are the ones who inflate that into a huge deal in our own mind. If we tell ourselves regularly that we’re not good enough, or we’re too fat or too thin or too wrinkly or whatever it is, that small little statement can create a huge problem.

We start to believe it as if it’s the truth. It slowly erodes our confidence. So we begin to withdraw from others. We say no to invitations. We spend more time at home on our own. Loneliness sets in. We start to spend longer in bed or sleeping. Before we know it, we’re in a deep depression. See how that works? A small negative statement, told to ourselves often enough has the power to pull our mental health to pieces.

THAT is the power of small things.

Physical health

When our mental health declines it has a negative effect on our immune system and the knock on effects often include less exercise and less healthy food choices. So we are more likely to get sick and take longer to recover from physical illness.

The other thing that can affect our physical health is the accumulation of small stresses. If we don’t take care of the stress in our life and it continues to build into chronic stress where we never give ourselves the opportunity to fully relax, we can find ourselves in burnout. When we burnout our body basically says enough is enough. Debilitating fatigue will make it impossible to do anything but rest. It’s a long slow road to recovery - I wouldn’t recommend it.

But the opposite is also true. Small, consistent actions can have a profoundly positive effect on our physical health. The three basics are:

Making good food choices. When we consistently eat to nourish our body, rather than simply to feed it, our body will run more smoothly - a bit like putting high quality fuel in your petrol car, instead of diesel.

Moving our body daily. Our body wasn’t designed to sit still all the time. We were made to move. We need to use energy in order to gain energy. Even small amounts of walking, consistently each day, will gradually build more fitness and more energy. It can improve our heart health, our brain health and improve our sleep.

Prioritising quality sleep. Any mother of a newborn will tell you what sleep deprivation can do to you. Chronic tiredness leads to a lower immune system, impaired decision making and in extreme cases, psychosis so it’s important to get a good sleep.

The thing about these small things is that if you look at each in isolation, it appears so insignificant that you can’t imagine it making any difference or you can’t understand how it can make such a difference. But when you add one small thing on top of another, on top of another, on top of another, the combined effect can be life-changing.

THAT is the power of small things.

Do you recognise any of these small things in your own life? If you’re honest with yourself, can you see the gradual decline in your relationship, mental wellbeing or physical health? If so, is now the time you need to start taking action?

What small actions, done consistently, will get you back on track?

Shelley’s story is a good example of how it’s not always the obvious and violent events in a relationship that lead to trauma. The small, consistent emotional wounds can be just as powerful and that’s why, when we talk about intimate partner violence or domestic violence, we don’t just mean physical violence. Without the benefit of therapy, women like Shelley continue to carry those emotional scars with them, affecting future relationships and their mental wellbeing.

Here at Moving On we want to make sure that women and non-binary folk who carry those scars have the opportunity to access therapy to be able to understand, process and heal their trauma - for themselves but also to prevent the effects of that trauma being handed down to their families.

If you would like to help us fund this therapy, you can find out more here.